Insert foot into mouth and chew

Recently I dealt with an extremely rude and thoughtless human being.  One of my regular pharmacists is on vacation and thus I have had a week of unfamiliar faces filling in.  One of these fillers isn't so unfamiliar. I have worked with her three or four times a year for the past three years.  Not to long ago I ran into her outside of my store and brought her up to speed on operation baby, so it wasn't surprising that her first question when I came in what about how the IVF was going. What was surprising was her complete and utter lack of good judgment in her next comment. 

Picture this short, loud, and almost 30 year old woman pretended to listen as I explained in a brief couple of sentences what our timeline is.  She nods impatiently and then launched into a statement that can only be described as rude and thoughtless.  "Would it upset you if I said I was pregnant!?" Insert big shit eating grin.  What a bitch!  I understand being excited about a little one, I don't understand the apparent need to try and make me feel like shit.  I wasn’t about to let her see how much her statement hurt me, so I answered, “No, of course not,” with a sincerity I didn’t feel.

Do I understand that my fertility challenges aren’t her fault?  Yes.  Do I understand that people will not stop getting pregnant just because I haven’t been able to?  Yes.  Do I feel the sting with others around me seemingly get pregnant just by looking at a penis?  Yes.  And do I resent it when a woman presents her good news to me with the subtly of a shotgun?  Why, yes I do.  I have made it through several pregnancy announcements without wanting to deck the woman, but this presentation, this “in your face you infertile chick, I’m better than you” na-na-nah-bo-boo approach left my palms itching with the urge to slap the bitch.  But I resisted the urge and tried to remind myself that this particular woman has no brain to mouth filter.

She then spent the next three hours telling me about all of her pregnancy symptoms.  From her sudden fondness for bagels to her aversion to Alfredo, from her slightly crampy tummy to her inability to touch her toes anymore, from her frequent cries to her irrational anger, and from her tender breasts to her increased cup size. Yup. I got all these details and more.  Then I asked a question, how far along she was.  I had a hard time not laughing my ass off when she said five weeks.  Five fucking weeks and she would have you believe that she has experienced every symptom imaginable. 

I asked if she had made the big announcement.  She has not told anyone but her husband and her sister.  So why then am I lucky enough to have her joyful news rubbed into my raw nerves?  It turns out she’s having some problems with her progesterone levels and she knows how much research I’ve done of fertility challenges so she wanted to pick my brain.  Unfortunately I don’t know that much about progesterone levels, only that a level too low can cause a miscarriage and that it’s normally treated with progesterone oil injections, progesterone suppositories, or Prometrium taken orally or inserted vaginally.  She is using the latter vaginally so I had no new information for her.

I can’t imagine what she must feel like, to be so close to one of her dreams but teetering on the verge of losing it.  Terrifying.  Rudeness aside, I’ll be praying for her and her precious little one.

A few of my favorite things

We all have our favorite beauty products.  Some of them are luxurious splurges, while others are bargains.  Here are a few of my favorites and why.

Shea Moisture- Target

This is my favorite lotion when my skin is feeling a bit drier.  I love the coconut scent and the non-greasy feel.  It is strongly scented though, so it doesn't work with perfume.  I like that this on its own is enough of a scent for daily wear.  A BARGAIN

Almond Milk - The Body Shop

This is my absolute favorite light moisturizer.  I use this in the summer when my skin isn't really dry.  It leaves a nice sheen on my legs and absorbs super quickly.  It doesn't have much of a fragrance.  Just a clean scent that blends well with whatever perfume I choose.  I've had this bottle for a few years now, so it lasts a long time.  Not quite a BARGAIN, a little SPLURGE

Organix Cherry Blossom Ginseng Shampoo and Conditioner - Grocery or Drug Store

This shampoo smells great and leaves my hair soft and full of body.  The conditioner is light yet moisturizing.  I also use an Organix deep conditioner once every couple weeks.  BARGAIN

Chance Eau Tendre - Sephora

This was my birthday present from Tony this year.  I love the clean floral scent.  Its a little stronger so a little goes a long way which is good because this is definitely a SPLURGE.

Maybelline Instant Age Rewind Concealer - Drug Store

This light weight formula is applied with the foam sponge at the top.  Just a few clicks and the sponge is loaded.  I find that this blends really well just using the sponge on top.  I have very fair skin so a good concealer is on my "don't leave home without it" list.  For me, dark circles have nothing to do with sleep and everything to do with the thin skin under my eyes.  BARGAIN

A couple other favorites include:
The Body Shop's super absorbent hair towel.  I've had the same towel since 1999 and it still works great!  This towel has held up remarkably well and has ruined me for other "normal" towels.  It buttons at the base of my skull to keep it in place while my hair dries.  SPURGE (But after eleven years I'd say it was money well spent.)

bareMinerals Original Foundation in Light.  This is my favorite!  I have a lot of trouble finding foundation that are light enough for my fair completion.  I also have an uneven skin tone with a pinkish cast.  This evens things out without being heavy.

I'm sure there are a few things I'm forgetting, but these are the basics.  I am always trying new products.  Sometime I end up with a wonderful new item, and sometimes I wish I'd never bought whatever it was.  But most of the time I just end up with things that are forgettable.  I have this problem with eye shadows a lot.  I will buy this wonderful color only to find out that it is: a. too shear, b. too opaque, or c. exactly like a color I already own.  Is this just me or does it happen to other people too?

What are your favorite items?   Any thing you couldn't live without?  I used to love the magazines that would post celebrities beauty routines or favorite products.  One common thread between most of them was mascara.  Just about all of them said they never leave the house without it.  I'm just the opposite.  I rarely use mascara.  I have allergies and rub my eyes a lot.  Most every mascara I've ever used, even the ones that are supposed to stay, end up making me look like a raccoon.

I would love to find a non-running, non-crunchy mascara that comes in brown or brown/black.  Any suggestions? 

On a completely separate note.  Today was THE DAY FROM HELL!  I went into work to find absolute chaos.  All of our registers were down.  For hours!  We kept having to reboot every few minutes, and multiple times during transactions.  So frustrating.  Here's hoping that everything is working tomorrow.

I almost committed a double homicide but Limp Bizket saved me...

Tuesday I was in a mood.  A rather black one at that.  We have a newly transferred (from another store and another department) employee in my pharmacy.  We'll call him RS.  RS had worked in our pharmacy for close to a week before we figured out he didn't have his state license.  Oops.  The state of Indiana requires you to be licensed to legally work in a pharmacy, and in July they started requiring a background check with finger printing.

RS wasn't told by his old store about this background check so after sending in his application it sat in limbo waiting for a background check that never happened.  I'd taked to RS two weeks before he started at our location and asked if he'd gotten his license yet.  He told me no, but that his payment had been deducted just a few days ago.  I took that as a sign that everything was okay, I mean they wouldn't take his money if it wasn't, right?  Wrong.

I never thought to ask if he'd done his background check.  And I unfortunately assumed that he'd tell us if he never got his license.  So it was something of a shock when on his fourth day (I'd only worked with him once before) I went to print his license and saw "application pending."  Why had no one checked this before?  How did this slip through the cracks?

So now we are smack dab in the middle of the flu shot and fall illness season and I've lost my only other regular tech.  Not to mention he's still not trained 100% and now we have to stop training and wait for his license.

Two days after I discovered this we sent him for his background check.  We checked with the licensing agency the same day to see how long it will take, only to learn he filled out his application wrong so his background check was wrong too!  Okay, now I am starting to lose confidence in our new tech.  But it's too late now, so we have him redo both the application and the background check. This time it's done right.  And then we wait....

And while we are waiting we are back to being short handed and extra stressed.  I had to change my schedule day to day as I feverishly checked his license status multiple times a day.  It took over 10 days from the date of discovery, but I finally saw the magical "expires September 2012" and our wait was over.

Sunday was his first day back.  My manager assured me he had finished all of his computer training during his hiatus and that he would get him back up to speed between Sunday and Monday.  I was off both days so I kicked backed and enjoyed my days off, never imagining the horror that would await me Tuesday afternoon...

My work day started at 12:30 pm.  I walked into what can only be described as utter and complete chaos.  Our am pharmacist on Tuesdays is slow and computer challenged.  I sometime have trouble keeping up, but RS has a night class on Tuesdays so I had no choice.  Between the new-guy-who-forgot-everything and computer illiterate-slower-than-dirt-pharmacist I had quite a mess to clean up.

So of course I took charge and started ordering people around.  Do this, not that.  You go do this, that can wait.  Get that patient at the counter, I'll fix this insurance problem.  And with each passing moment where I had to tell someone who is supposed to be my boss what to do, my anger grew.  With each moment I had to stop and show RS basic things that he knew and was supposed to have been refreshed on over the past two days, my anger grew.  Everytime I had to stop cleaning up their mess to get a patient that no one would wait on, my anger grew.  It became rage.  And I really wanted to commit double murder.

Instead I took a deep breath, dug my nails into my palms, and sung the lyrics (in my head) to some of my favorite angry songs.  Chevelle's "The Red" is a good one.  Anything from Nine Inch Nails "Downward Spiral" is good too.  And despite the fact I really don't like Limp Bizkit or Fred Durst, they have my number one favorite.  Break Stuff.

Its just one a those days when you dont wanna wake up
Everything is f***ed, everybody sucks
You dont really know why, but you wanna justify
Ripping someones head off
No human contact, and if you interact your life is on contract
Your best bet is to stay away mother f***er
Its just wanna those days
REFRAIN:
Its all about the he said she said bullshit
I think you better quit, letting shit slip
Or you'll be leaving with a fat lip
Its all about the he said she said bullshit
I think you better quit, talkin that shit
Its just one a those days
Feeling like a fraight train
First one to complain, leaves with a blood stain
Damn right, Im a maniac
You better watch your back
Cuz im f***in up your program
And if you feel stuck up, you just mucked up
Next in line to get f***ed up,
Your best bet is to stay away mother f***er
Its just one of those days
REFRAIN
So come and get it
I feel like shit
My suggestion is to keep your distance
Cuz right now I'm dangerous
We've all felt like shit, been treated like shit
All those mother f***ers
That wanna step up
I hope you know I'm like a chainsaw
I'll skin your ass raw
And if my day keeps going this way I just might
Break something tonight
I'm like a chainsaw
I'll skin your ass raw
And if my day keeps going this way I just might
Break your f***in face tonight
Gimmie something to break
How bout your f***in face
I hope you know I'm like a chainsaw (what)
A chainsaw (what)
A mother f***in chainsaw (what)
So come and get it
REFRAIN
So come and get it
*********

If that isn't an angry song, I don't know what is.  And somehow, it always makes me feel better.  I think it's like venting to myself.  Telling myself it's okay to be angry, furious even, that it happens to everyone.  Heck, it happens enough that there are a ton of songs about anger.

Eminem even made a career out of his angry rants.  And while my anger may not make millions, it is okay, normal even.  Even the irrational kind, as long as you get over it and don't take it out on someone else.

After about two hours we were back on track.  And my anger had fizzled out.  I got my normal positive attitude back and started the process of retraining RS.  When I came in yesterday, he seemed to be doing much better, and there were no messes for me to clean up, thank goodness!  I did mention how bad things were to my manager and how close I'd come to murder.  Of course my manager laughed. Apparently I am not very scary.

I'll take that as a good thing!

Movie crazy

I'm going movie crazy here and my Mom's house.  I've watched a bunch since Tuesday.

The Thing

One of my favorites!

Devil

Eh... Don't bother.

Legion

Not great, the Prophecy was way better but i do so love apocalyptic movies.

The Final Destination

They really should have stopped making these

The Social Network

A must see and I love the soundtrack.  Trent Reznor is the man!

Pitch Black

Such a great sci-fi/thriller!

With the exception of The Social Network, it seems to be a suspense/thriller theme week.  I've seen all of these before except Devil and The Final Destination, but while I sand away at my homemade frame its perfect.

I've also been baking while I watch.  I've made two batches of flour free, sugar free breakfast cookies.  The first batch was too sweet, but still tasty.  I made that batch with almond meal, butter, Splenda, vanilla, an egg, cinnamon, apples, dried cranberries, and walnuts.  The cookies are high in protein and low in carbs and calories.  My goal is to have something quick and filling for breakfast.  But as I said the first batch was a little too sweet.

My second batch just came out of the oven.  This one has almond meal, flax meal, butter, vanilla, an egg, apples, dried cranberries, dried blueberries, and walnuts.  I forgot the cinnamon that I intended to use, oops.  I used less butter in this batch too.  This batch is a little bland but strangely addictive.  I think a little less flax meal and a little more almond meal for improved color and texture, and some cinnamon for extra flavor for my next batch.  Once I've got the winning version down I'll share that recipe on here.  I'll also attempt to figure out exactly how many calories, carbs, etc are in them.

My second class was today.  I've had a horrible sore throat all day so that made talking for over four hours lots of fun.  But otherwise the class went fine.  I sincerely hope I am not getting sick and this sore throat isn't the beginning of a cold.  My appointment with Dr. C. is next Monday!  I don't want to have to reschedule.  Who knows how long it would be before I could get in again?

Just to be on the safe side, I'm going to hit the sack early tonight, after chugging some OJ and popping a vitamin.  I'm kind of looking forward to sleep anyway.  Once again I was up before the sun today because of my class and the dog.  Tomorrow I don't start work until 10am which means I'm not getting my butt out of bed before 8am.  Thank goodness!

Trying to hold onto hope

Most of the time I deal with this stupid infertility shit pretty well.  But then there are these moments that just...  Hurt.  I have them more frequently than I'd like but they don't last.  Especially if I'm at home and I can cuddle Frankie and lean on Tony (in no particular order.)  Most of the time I have hope that things will work out and sometime in the next year I'll get that illusive positive pregnancy test.  But sometime this black pit of despair just destroys that.

I had a moment like that today.  I was in the car on the way to my class and I had a flash back of something that happened yesterday.  My pregnant co-worker D had me touch this specific spot at the top of her very swollen belly.  (I've never touched a pregnant belly before, at least not in my memory.  All of the people I know who've had children weren't in the same state!)  I didn't feel the baby move or anything, but just to know that that was a baby under there, and to feel it.  It was awesome.

But today in the car when I thought about it again, this black wave of despair washed over me.  The want of it was almost suffocating.  I started to tear up.  Then I got angry.  Then I tried to let it go and tried to focus on the positive.  It didn't entirely work but it made the pain a little more bearable.  And then, a little while later, I came out the other side and found my hope again.

I'm pretty sure that this is a part of the grieving process.  I'm grieving for the lost hope of a normal conception.  An easy conception.  And I'm still trying to come to terms with this diagnosis.  With what it does mean, as well as what it could mean.

The rest of my day was fine, parts of it even great.  It was just that moment, that short period of time when I was alone with my thoughts in the car.  Later in the day I was in awe of a local high school's career center.  They have a dental hygienist program, a nursing program, a pharmacy technician program.  They even have an auto repair class room and a full restaurant.  Not to mention the fact that just a little ways from the school, the students build a house every two years!  A house!  The school has nearly 4,000 students which allows them the funds for all of this stuff, but I kept thinking that I wished I'd gone there!

My class went well too, despite a few hitches with the room.  The store my class is at is undergoing some construction and my classroom turned into a dumping and staging area.  Thankfully the next three classes have been moved to a different location that is much closer to my house.  The class is small, which makes teaching easier, and most of the students participated which is always a plus.

So not a bad day, just a bad moment.

Even so, I'm wiped out today.  It will be an early bedtime for me.

Sometimes I'm amazed by people

Today I took a phone call at work from a sales rep for the fertility end of our business.  She was calling to check on what medications we were having trouble getting in stock.  At the end of our phone call I asked her if she had a few minutes.  She did so I told her about my own fertility challenges and about my upcoming appointment.  We chatted a bit about the hows and whys and then she did something that floored me.  She gave me her cell phone number and email address and told me if I ever had any questions, concerns, or just needed a shoulder to cry on to give her a call.

It brought tears to my eyes.  It was so darned nice of her and I appreciate it so much.  She doesn't know me and I'll probably never talk to her again, but that she would offer is a such wonderful thing to me.  I really have been fortunate with my job.  I've had some great experiences through it, and this is just a reminder of why I love the company I work for.  The great people I met.

Speaking of people and my job... On Thursday I have my first technician training class of the season. The class is designed to help prepare employees for the National Certification Exam.  Even though I've done quite a few of these now, I'm always so nervous the first day.  And this one is no exception.  In fact I think I'm more nervous than before.  Why?  Before the first class I have a meeting with the teacher for a local high school's career center. 

For the past two years we've had students from this high school in one of our three sessions of classes a year.  These are inner city students who plan to get technician jobs on graduation.  We've worked out a deal with the school for them to sit in on our exam preparation classes and intern at our pharmacies.  For the past two years these students have come to my classes and been disruptive and disrespectful. 

The first year the students showed up without books, pens, or paper.  Read magazines and popped bubble gum.  Talked to each other and texted.  They even lied to me and told me they were supposed to leave early one day.  The most recent class I had students talking, texting, and sleeping in class. All of them expressed some really petty complaints about co-workers at their internship stores. One of the students told me they didn't see why they had to be there as they'd already done all of the work.  This class I teach is basically a review session.  You are supposed to try it on your own and then come to class with questions or problems. 

After the last session I was fed up.  I called the liaison between the school and my company and told her my problem.  I vetoed the idea of just canceling the program as I think its a good idea in theory.  We just need to work on the practice of it. Her solution was to invite me to her first meeting with the teacher for this new school year.  Perhaps if the students knew going into my class that it was a review they might not be so restless and rude.  Perhaps if they knew that they need to behave and not be disruptive.

I'm nervous about talking to a teacher about students I've never met based on two negative experiences with past classes.  I want to find a way to make these classes work for both the high school students and my company students.  I just don't know how to do that.  And I don't really have a lot of suggestions.  I'm not a teacher, I just teach a class.   Perhaps I should ask the teacher to tell the students to behave as they would at a job.  That they are going to be evaluated on their behavior as they would at any job.  Maybe we can work out a "report card" that I can send to their teacher at the end of the classes that would count towards their grade.  Maybe the students are just still to immature, but its worth a shot at trying to make it work

30,000 in the hole

Today, I had a patient come to pick up some fertility medications.  She and I got to talking and she confessed that she is $30,000 in the hole and as of yet, has had absolutely no luck.  She went on to tell me that she already has two boys from a previous marriage but her current husband has no children, so this is all for him.  It really sounded like she could care less.

Now, with the size of the rock on her finger I'd say that money is no object for them, but still...  If you already have two children and don't really care if you have more, why go through it all?  Why spend all of that money?  Why put yourself through it all?  Fertility challenges can easily turn into relationship challenges.  I've heard it said that there are two issues that will kill any marriage, money and children.  And fertility issues are both, rolled into one.

Maybe she's just tired and disillusioned.  Maybe its her husband's dream to have a child of his own and she wants to grant that wish.  Maybe its none of my darn business.  Either way I wish them luck.

Shameless rant

Sleepy kitty

Today really took in out of me.  And while there wasn't anything specific to blame, lots of little things conspired to make today just down right draining.  It started with me being late to work.  Only by three minutes, but I hate being late, it seems to make the rest of the day feel out of rhythm.  This is the second time I've been late since they started construction on one of the intersections on my way to work.  There is a electronic traffic sign before the intersection warning you that traffic patterns have changed, and what lanes go where.  There is this weird divide with highway access on the far right and southbound traffic on the left, with stripped roadway and construction heaven in the middle.

Its been like this for over a week.  And surprise surprise, people still can't get it right.  The light (and it's a busy one) ends up with people trying to change lanes in the middle of the intersection at the last second.  Or people trying to turn and ending up in the wrong set of lanes, backing up into the intersection and trying to get to the right side.  I even saw a car turn into on-coming traffic on accident.  

Today there was an idiot who tried to turn at the tale end of a yellow light.  He didn't make it and the newly green lighted on-coming traffic didn't even slow down.  He ended up stuck between the highway lane and the southbound lanes.  He was freaking out the other drivers.  People would get close and finally see him and slam on their breaks, which made all the drivers behind them do the same.  He was still trying to get himself out of his predicament by the time I got through the light.  Normal this is an easy light.  You never get stuck at it.  Today it only took me three greens before I could get through (that's sarcasm in case it didn't come through in print.)

Idiot drivers!

Once I finally made it to work it was just a bunch of little things that kept piling up.  Some of them really stupid and nit-picky of me but once I'm really irritated its hard to snap out of it.  (Any one else like that?) For instance, someone had left a ladder sitting in front of the diabetic needs products.  It has been there for two days now.  I know they are working on the section but it seems like every patient needs something that's right behind that damned ladder.  I keep meaning to stick it in the stockroom, but I rarely get a chance.  And really, its not my job to clean up after others.  If I'd brought out the ladder you can bet I'd have put it back when I was done.

And where the ladder is... SMELLS BAD.  We think a mouse died in the wall (ewwww.)  The pest control company came and told us to give it a few days and the smell would go away.  Its been nearly two weeks...  It stinks just as bad, just not quite as strong.

And...  Every difficult patient we have called or came in today.

And...  We got really busy when my pharmacist stepped out to use the bathroom and when he came back he got stuck on the phone with someone for a long time so it was almost like I was by myself.

And... That person he got stuck on the phone with called four times today.  And she loves to talk.  And talk. And talk...

And... And. And!

By the time I got off of work all I could think about was going home, eating dinner, and passing the f. out.  But of course I had more work to do once I got home.  My next round of pharmacy technician certification classes (I teach them) starts next Thursday and I have some prep work that really should be done before the weekend.  But Monday's going to have to be good enough because after an hour of working on it, I'm done...

I forced myself to stay awake until my laundry finished, and now it is.  So I'm going to go get ready for bed.  I'm sure I'll be asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow.  Sorry for the rant.

On a positive note...  I stumbled across a blog today.  The Bloggess.  The author is a columnist in Houston.  I was linked to her website by another blogger to this post.  And then I read a little more and found this one and this one.  And I'm hooked.  This woman is "funny as all heck and tarnation," (MSNBC's words but I agree!)

Got my appointment

Dr. C's office called today to schedule my appointment. I was a little worried about when they would be able to schedule me, especially after the receptionist told me they were in a particularly busy month but the first available appointment time worked for me so I took it.  Tony and I will be meeting Dr. C on Monday, September 26th and 10 am.

The receptionist then proceeded to tell me about a few policies and asked me to go on their website and print out the new patient packet, fill it out, then fax it back.  She told me I had to have it in at least a week, preferably two weeks, before my appointment.  No problem.  I went on the website and emailed the pdf to work so I could print it out and get started, I figured all of my prescription records are right in front of me when I'm at work so it would be easier (thank you employer for the paper).

The patient packet is NINE pages.  NINE.  After completing them I couldn't help but notice the amount of duplication. It just seemed excessive.  I know this is a specialist, but I swear I did less paperwork for my car loan.

One thing I did really like about Dr. C's paperwork is one particular section.  It asked how I felt about not being able to have a baby.  (Frustrated by hopeful.)  How our infertility had affected our relationship (If anything, going through this together has brought us closer).  If there was anything important I thought they should know about our situation. (Tony had linear scleroderma as a child.) And is we had any specific fears or concerns about our upcoming visit.

Its nice that their forms have this on them, a mini question or comment section.  Its very easy to forget to ask something or feel like you are being rushed when your at the doctors.  This way the original concerns don't get missed.  Of course my big concerns are: is it going to work, and how much money are we really talking here?  (I left those unsaid, I'm sure those are most peoples top two questions.)

I know that last one is horrible.  Lisa, how can you put a price on having your own bundle of joy? But seriously?  Have you seen the cost of fertility medications?  Just the medications...  Sure Clomid is cheap, but most of the other fertility medications are not.  Just to give you an idea, I took a look at some of the more common fertility medications.  These are cash prices from the pharmacy I work at.  (Mail order though a specialty is definitely less expensive but in the world of fertility medications, time is of the essence.)

Follistim (works to grow follicles)

one treatment of the middle of the road strength

$996.09

Menopur (works to grow and mature follicles)

one treatment ranges from

$599.69 to over $4,000.00

(I sold on RX today where the patient was using seven vials a day for five days, her RX was $4,950 and some odd cents)

Ovidrel (taken after either of the above to stimulate ovulation)

$102.99

And that's just three of the more commonly prescribed medications.  But there is no way to tell how, or even if, a person will respond to any medication.  If they all worked the same for every person there would be only one kind.  But like every medication, people respond differently.  

There are a lot of fertility medications.  Lots of them work to grow follicles.  A few to trigger ovulation.  One helps to maintains pregnancy.  And two to delay an ovulation to increase conception chances.  Here's a list:

Bravelle

Gonal-f

Follistim

Luveris

Menopur

Repronex

Clomid

Lupron

Novarel

Ovidrel

Pregnyl

Progesterone

Ganirelix

Cetrotide

Quite a list, and all but two of them are over $100.  Most of them are over $500.  Times how ever many tries it takes.  It adds up.  One of my patients had a successful IVF procedure after years of infertility.  She now has three beautiful babies, two boys and one girl.  She told me they took out loans.  Loans that totaled more than what she owes on her brand new, family-size van.  Not to mention now she has three babies.  THREE.  Three times the dirty diapers.  Three times the doctors bills.  Three times the sleep loss.  Three times the college tuition.  

She told me one day, after yet another sleepless night, that if she had it to do over she wasn't sure if she would.  That she loves her babies, but having three infants is just too much.  She can't even go out without lugging around a major-league stroller and playing juggle the baby.  Its so difficult to manage that she and her husband haven't left the house together since the babies were born.  One of them always stays behind with one or two of the kids.  She can't even get anyone to baby sit.  Not even the grandparents want to accept that challenge.

She and her husband both are able to work from home.  But how many people have that luxury?  What would happen if I ended up with multiples?  Its more common with fertility treatment patients.  What would we do?  Tony works from home.  But I can't.  And I have to keep working for the insurance if not the paycheck.  Private health care is just too expensive.  One more thing to try not to worry about ;-)

Hello world!

Okay, so a friend suggested that I try blogging.  I don't know how well it will work or if I'll stick to it but an outlet for my frustration definitely seems like an appealing idea.

My name is Lisa, I'm 33 as of this past August.  I live in Indianapolis, IN but I'm a cheesehead at heart (born and raised in WI.)  My husband Tony and I met on Myspace in 2003.  Started dating in 2005 and we got married in 2008.  About a year later we decided to stop birth control and see what happened.  Now I knew I could have problems getting pregnant, I have a thyroid condition that has proven to be stubborn to treat.  It's just hypothyroidism but I apparently am hyper-sensitive to the medication and its been a four year battle to get my levels somewhat stable.

After a year, I started reading books on getting pregnant and started charting.  But it's very hard to chart when you don't get a period but once every three or four months or even longer.  I was encouraged by my primary care doctor to "give it time." I cannot tell you how infuriating that sentence is! But I digress...

I decided to try losing weight.  I kept reading that too much body fat can mean too much estrogen and a harder time getting pregnant.  After about seven months of counting calories, eating less fast food and more veggies, and exercising regularly I'd lost thirty pounds.  My periods started coming regularly.  I started charting again with high hopes.  I even got a positive pregnancy test (it turned out to be a false positive.)  Then came the epic period.  Seventeen days of heavy, horrible bleeding.  I called my doctor primary care and she put me on something to make it stop.  After three days it did.... For two days. Then it started back up like it had never stopped.

I was told to get a ob/gyn.  This doctor ended up getting me in the same day I called despite the fact I'd never seen her, talk about awesome. She got me to stop bleeding by giving me three high dose bc's a day for a week.  But she wanted to do more tests.  An ultrasound, just to see what was what.  It didn't take five minutes for the screen to show cyst-riddled ovaries.  Even I could see it, and I'm not a doctor.

I'd read that a lot of people with thyroid problems have PCOS but I'd never thought it would be me.  Never.  It had never been suggested or even hinted at.  I've had a PCP doctor for all of my life.  Why did no one ever tell me about this?  They started watching me for thyroid issues when I was 13!  Every time something came up that could be a PCOS symptom it was always written off as thyroid related.  No one even mentioned this!

I work for a pharmacy as a technician and we happen to be a fertility center.  We sell all of those medications and I always take the time to talk to my fertility patients.  I feel their pain and listen to their frustrations.  Many of them told me they had this condition.  It prompted me to read about this, to find out what Polycystic Ovary Syndrome was.  After they left I always counted my blessings that it wasn't me.  Well it was, I just didn't know it at the time.

For those that don't know, here's the basics:
Polycystic ovary syndrome is a condition in which there is an imbalance of a woman's female sex hormones. This hormone imbalance may cause changes in the menstrual cycle, skin changes, small cysts in the ovaries, trouble getting pregnant, and other problems.

My doctor told me I just don't ovulate because of this condition. I was given the option of starting Clomid.  Clomid is supposed to work very well in these cases.  I was told my chances were very good.  First we had Tony's swimmers tested, and they passed with flying colors.  Next came the pills.  50 mg once a day for five days.  The first round I felt very hopeful.  Hearing that it didn't work was really hard.  But we upped the dose and tried again.  100 mg once a day.  Hearing that didn't work was even harder.  But we upped the dose again and tried again.  150 mg once a day.

This morning my doctor called and told me very gently that it hadn't worked. She offered to try one more time with another dosage increase, the maximum dose of 200 mg, but in her opinion it probably would not work.  I trust her opinion and if she thinks its done, it probably is.  She told me about a reproductive endocrinologist in the same hospital network.  Now originally I'd wanted to try to do as much as I could without going this route because of the cost involved.  Well I've done what I could.  Now I'm going to see Dr C.  His office is supposed to call me sometime next week to set up an appointment.  We'll see what happens then, what my options are.

I know all of the medications they use in these cases.  I know how expensive they can be.  I know I'm probably going to be learning how to give myself injections soon.  I know how hard this is going to be.  But if it can help Tony and I have a child of our own, it will be worth it.