Trying to hold onto hope

Most of the time I deal with this stupid infertility shit pretty well.  But then there are these moments that just...  Hurt.  I have them more frequently than I'd like but they don't last.  Especially if I'm at home and I can cuddle Frankie and lean on Tony (in no particular order.)  Most of the time I have hope that things will work out and sometime in the next year I'll get that illusive positive pregnancy test.  But sometime this black pit of despair just destroys that.

I had a moment like that today.  I was in the car on the way to my class and I had a flash back of something that happened yesterday.  My pregnant co-worker D had me touch this specific spot at the top of her very swollen belly.  (I've never touched a pregnant belly before, at least not in my memory.  All of the people I know who've had children weren't in the same state!)  I didn't feel the baby move or anything, but just to know that that was a baby under there, and to feel it.  It was awesome.

But today in the car when I thought about it again, this black wave of despair washed over me.  The want of it was almost suffocating.  I started to tear up.  Then I got angry.  Then I tried to let it go and tried to focus on the positive.  It didn't entirely work but it made the pain a little more bearable.  And then, a little while later, I came out the other side and found my hope again.

I'm pretty sure that this is a part of the grieving process.  I'm grieving for the lost hope of a normal conception.  An easy conception.  And I'm still trying to come to terms with this diagnosis.  With what it does mean, as well as what it could mean.

The rest of my day was fine, parts of it even great.  It was just that moment, that short period of time when I was alone with my thoughts in the car.  Later in the day I was in awe of a local high school's career center.  They have a dental hygienist program, a nursing program, a pharmacy technician program.  They even have an auto repair class room and a full restaurant.  Not to mention the fact that just a little ways from the school, the students build a house every two years!  A house!  The school has nearly 4,000 students which allows them the funds for all of this stuff, but I kept thinking that I wished I'd gone there!

My class went well too, despite a few hitches with the room.  The store my class is at is undergoing some construction and my classroom turned into a dumping and staging area.  Thankfully the next three classes have been moved to a different location that is much closer to my house.  The class is small, which makes teaching easier, and most of the students participated which is always a plus.

So not a bad day, just a bad moment.

Even so, I'm wiped out today.  It will be an early bedtime for me.