So add in the fact that I found my love a little later in life. Add in the fact that we decided to see what would happen on its own. Add in the fact that I'm now in my mid-thirties. And what you're left with is me, hearing a very persistent ticking clock. My biological clock.
I know its possible to have kids later in life. I have a patient a work who had her first child at 37. M didn't plan on getting pregnant. It just happened. Her little boy is adorable. The most beautiful eyes, chubby cheeks and fat little legs, dimples and a sweet smile. I'm sure she doesn't regret her oops. But she didn't have an easy time of it. She had gestational diabetes. Her doctor told her it was more common in "geriatric pregnancies." Um, excuse me... Geriatric? Yup, anyone over 35 who is pregnant for the first time. My ob/gyn calls them "late life pregnancies." Either way, the fact that they have to have a "term" is scary and a little insulting.
It seems very old fashioned to slap a cut off on 35. Maybe in my Mom or Grandmother's time. When it was common to get married right out of high school or in your early twenties. When people had big families and started right away. But more and more people aren't even getting married until they are older. Heck, I got married at 29, my friend A at 31, my friend O at 32, and my friend SW just got engaged at 32. And I have friends that are still not married! More people are going to college. Getting masters degrees. Getting a career and a life. I think its awesome. I firmly believe that you have to have a life before you can share it with someone.
But it all adds up to time. More time in before the walk down the aisle. And then you want to have a year or two to settle into the marriage. Even if you lived together before getting hitched, its still a big transition to go from Miss to Mrs. A lot of people want to save up money, buy a house, get a good solid foundation before adding on to their family.
But biology has its own clock. And you can't reason with the human body. It has its own normal cycles. Heck, I have a friend who's only 41 and she's already started menopause! I want to be a mother so much. Having a family has always been my dream, my goal. I want to see my babies first steps, hear his/her first words. Teach him/her to read. Be a girl scout or boy scout leader. Be a member of the PTA. Have slumber parties. Birthday parties (no clowns ever please!) I want to watch my child grown into a teenager. I want to watch them become an adult, get married, have children of their own. I know I don't have to physically have a child to be a Mom. Adoption is always an option. But I really want to look at my sweet baby's face and see Tony and I in it.
So I feel my bodies clock ticking. I hear it echo in my mind every time I sell someone a prenatal vitamin, or see their new baby. And it seems like everyone is getting pregnant! My friend K's adult daughter just had two daughters of her own. And the pictures show that they are beautiful, but they weren't planned. My co-worker D is only a month away from having her little boy, he wasn't planned. My old co-worker A just had her baby boy last month, they'd only been trying for three months. My friend S just got pregnant, they'd only been trying for two months. I swear there is something in the water, I just must be immune... But not to the want of it. And honestly, its really hard to hear that so-and-so is pregnant. Its really hard to not be bitter sometimes.
I have my bad moments. When I want to scream and cry and curse something. But Tony is my anchor. He's been through so much in his life and he's not bitter. I honestly don't know how I would cope with losing a leg. And he did, and before he could drive a car. He spent the majority of his childhood sick with linear scleroderma. Linear scleroderma frequently starts as a streak or line of hardened, waxy skin on an arm or leg. Linear scleroderma tends to involve deeper layers of the skin as well as the surface layers, and sometimes affects the motion of the joints which lie underneath. Linear scleroderma usually develops in childhood. In children the growth of involved limbs may be affected.
In Tony's case it affected his left arm and leg. After the disease went into remission he had the amputation and had to learn how to use a prosthetic, how to walk all over again. But he's not bitter. He doesn't consider himself to be handicapped. He doesn't even have a handicap sticker on his car! In fact I sometimes feel like he does too much. Like when he helped his Dad move. But he is determined. And all that he's gone through has given him an outlook on life that is truly a blessing. Its one thing to say life is a gift, and quite another to feel it. In my life, he's my gift. And his positivity will help me through this, to find peace with whatever comes.
We have a nice home together, a nice life. And funny, adorable cat named Frankie.
Frankie is a Tonkinese. He thinks people are pillows. Right now we are using CitiKitty to toilet train him. CitiKitty is basically this plastic try that sits on the toilet under the seat, you put flushable litter in it and take away the regular litter box. After a week of your cat using the new toilet litter box you remove a small section of plastic from the center. A week after that you remove a little more, and so on until your cat is using the toilet and you never have to deal with a box of cat crap ever again. Sounds awesome right? Well Frankie is being stubborn and once we removed the first section he decided he will only go when we put him on the CitiKitty. Its a process, but it will be worth it when I never have to clean a litter box again.
Today Frankie was very scared. My Mom came over and we cleaned the carpet in my living room, dining room, and hallway. All of the small furniture was shoved into the kitchen and where ever it was out of the way. If that didn't freak the cat out enough, the carpet cleaning machine is LOUD. Poor kitty.
We also cleaned the interior of all of the cars. It was hotter than hell outside and I was glad when we finished so I could go take a break in the a/c. We'd done all but one car when we had to break so I could go get my haircut. First time I've actually gone to someone and not just had my Mom cut it in over two years (and my Mom is not a stylist.) Harmony did a great job with my hair. I wear it in a ponytail almost every day when I work. I'm on the phone a lot at work and when my hair is down the phone tends to slide on my hair and right off my shoulder. Dropping a phone on a patient isn't cool. Not to mention when we get really busy I get hot and long hair doesn't help. Sooooo.... Ponytail.
I'd decided about three weeks ago to get bangs to soften the severe ponytail I sport. But I have this awful colic in the front of my hair that absolutely prevents me from wearing straight cut bangs. I went to Harmony with the idea of long, side-swept bangs. And did she deliver! She razored long wispy bangs and added a few long layers that she blended into my super-fine, super-plentiful hair by razoring. It helped to take the weight off. My hair has better movement and body, and the bangs soften my wash and wear style. Love it! But... The bangs are something new and right now they are driving me bananas. Tickling my eyelid, getting into my eyes, and just generally annoying me!
We'll see how I like the bangs after I get used to having them again after about fifteen years without.
Tomorrow we (Tony, Mom, and I) are going to have lunch at Ted's Montana Grill. Tony absolutely loves their buffalo burgers. I love the pickle things they give you at every table. And Vanilla Cokes made soda fountain style with crushed ice. Yum! Then we're going to check out the new Planet of the Apes movie. Can't wait!
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